BUMPER STICKERS

(Reported to be seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.

(Seen on the back of a biker's vest) If you can read this, my wife fell off.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Adultery is *not* a family value

All generalizations are false.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

America needs a President Not a Predator

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Ax me about Ebonics.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.

Boldly going nowhere.

Born free...Taxed to death.

CAT: The other white meat.

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Constipated people don't give a shit!!

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Does character matter YET?

Don't be sexist - broads hate that.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Forget the bull .. Ride the Cowboy.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

Hey you! Get out of the gene pool!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you want to see my finger

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't mind going to work...it's that long wait to go home that bothers me.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

I have the body of a god......Buddha

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

i souport publik edekashun.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If it has tits or wheels, it's gonna give you problems.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better!

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde.")

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

If you can read this, please flip me back over. (Seen upside down, on a Jeep.)

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.

I'm an imbecile and I vote.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Jail to the Chief

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Lord save me from your followers.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never raise your hands to your kids...it leaves your groin unprotected.

No radio - Already stolen.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Rehab is for quitters.

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! - All men are animals, some just make better pets

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Someday we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

Thank you for pot smoking.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart??

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! !!! (Men saying this are known to die a violent death.)

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

You never really grow up. You just learn how to act in public."

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.