Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.

Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him or her again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."