The following covers a multitude of interesting sins, for your general entertainment. Contrary to an unpopular belief, pipers and drummers have delightful senses of humour and are really modest and interesting people.
The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this one is simply to redefine words from the dictionary -- no added or changed letters.
Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
It rained and rained and rained and rained -
Next day 'twas pretty fairly dry,
by a Summer Visitor.
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!
Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frogsitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day.
How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.
How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a lightbulb? - Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? - Put it in a bagpipe case.
A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band. "What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert favourite piper] ".
ANCIENT PIPING JOKE:
The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing
away like mad.............
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
A wee drunk is walking up the road when he sees a bloke jump off a Multi (High rise apartments to you!). He blinks and looks up again to see this chap hurtle down, and three feet from the ground - just float down with no injury!
He blinks like mad and decides there is no way he could have seenthat!...........and then - down comes another! He's now thinking of never touching any alcoholic beverage ever again! .....but thinks "I'm away up that building to see what the f's going on!"
So up he goes to the fifteenth floor and out onto the roof
where he sees the two guys discussing whether to go again.
"I've just watched youse two jump off the building, hurtle to the floor, then float the last three feet and not a scratch on either of yez! What's going on??"
"Oh that," says the first guy "That's nothing, anyone can do it, they only need confidence that they'll stop."
"You mean I could do that?"
"Nah, yer joking!"
The wee man thinks for a minute and decides to go for it. He moves to the very edge, looks at the two guys who say nothing ........ and jumps. Straight into the ground -splat-dead! Not breathing! Separated from his breath!
The first of the two blokes turns and says "Y'know, Michael, for an Archangel you can be a right bastard at times!"
Rail Travel on a Scottish Budget
Three Americans and three Scots are travelling by a US train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.
"You'll see!" answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but All three Scots cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around Collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please".
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after The conference, the Americans decide to copy the Scots on the return Trip to save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"You'll see!" says a Scot.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and The three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks Over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says...."Ticket, please".
The World Champions
By some rare chance. A piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Maxville Highland games was hotter than this"
So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again,"Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Montreal Highland games was just as hot"
So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!"
"Well, to tell ya the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot"
Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says,"Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"
Scotty says to him "are you kiddin, Man? ' Hell's just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPEBAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR DRUMMERS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN car keys.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on
the first date.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked
up immediately after the movie has ended.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything
and the value of nothing.
Murray's (Murphy's) Laws Of Piping.
1. No matter when you change your reed, it only blows out as you march off.
2. Any reed changed just before a parade will be too hard to blow.
3. When the Pipe Major is watching you, your drones will never start right.
4. Clean white shirts will get dirty in the clothing bag.
5. Careful accounting of your gear the night before means that you will forget something.
6. Months of practice on a six-part tune means you will only remember one part on parade.
7. If you call "By the Right....." - sure as hell someone will start on the right foot.
8. When someone important is watching, the Drum Major will always call the "Halt!" on the wrong foot.
9. Some band members rise to their own level of incompetence - then stay there.
10. When the band sounds good - wait till the next tune.
11. Bandsmen come and bandsmen go - but screw-ups continue.
12. The degree of band screwing-up is in direct proportion to how important the event is.
13. If the band plays an easy tune long enough - they will screw it up.
14. Any chanter reed that will blow, will blow 30 seconds before march-off.
15. Any drum head that breaks, will do so 30 seconds after march-off.
16. All Pipe Majors believe that their bands will get better with practice.
17. All pipers have a scheme to break-in their own reeds, none of which work.
18. You will always remember to take your hose out of the dryer on the way to the parade.
19. There is never time to do it right, but we find time to do it wrong.
20. Every time the Bass Drummer tries a new beat, the pipers just hear a double-beat and quit playing.
21. The bus is never on time, but when it is, it's not your bus.
22. At least once every parade, a drummer will drop or break a stick.
23. When all is going correctly, look out, something is wrong.
24. When more than one piper cannot shut off his drones properly, its the Pipe Major's fault.
25. All important parades must be done during the pipers' holidays.
26. A good band practice does not mean a good parade.
27. A bad band practice does not mean a good parade.
28. Some pipers claim that "Preparation" is a piper's best friend.
29. Pipe reeds only come in one type - too hard for your pipers to play.
30. Side drums only stay in tune until you have to play them.
31. A full turn-out at band practice does not mean a full turn-out on parade.
32. Band members' clocks are always one half hour behind the Pipe Major's.
33. Any person who wants to be a Pipe Major is CRAZY!
 "Murray's Laws of Piping" - by P.M. Murray Martin, Army, Navy, and Air Force Pipes & Drums, Belleville, Ontario.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
STRUCTURE OF THE SONS OF SCOTLAND PIPES AND DRUMS