Humour

The following covers a multitude of interesting sins, for your general entertainment. Contrary to an unpopular belief, pipers and drummers have delightful senses of humour and are really modest and interesting people.

More Words..(2000.04.04)
The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster
Words
Scottish Weather
Flower Power
Bagpipes and Pipers
Highland Games Beer Tent Users Manual : Troubleshooting Section
Michael and the Scot
Rail Travel on a Scottish Budget
The World Champions
Martha Stewart's Tips for Drummers
Professions
Murray's (Murphy's) Laws of Piping.
English - Its a wonderful language, or, Why the Scots speak Doric!
Structure of the Sons of Scotland Pipes and Drums
A Drummer's Salute To The Highland Pipers.
Prayer For The Pipe Major.


More Words...

The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this one is simply to redefine words from the dictionary -- no added or changed letters.

Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.

Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

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The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


Words

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

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Scottish Weather

It rained and rained and rained and rained -
The average was well maintained,
And when our fields were simply bogs,
It started raining cats and dogs.
After a drought of half an hour,
There came a most refreshing shower,
And then the queerest thing of all,
A gentle rain began to fall.

Next day 'twas pretty fairly dry,
Save for a deluge from the sky.
This wetted people to the skin,
But after that the rain set in.
We wondered what's the next we'd get,
As sure as fate we got more wet,
But soon we'll have a change again,
And we shall have -
A drop of rain!

by a Summer Visitor.
Author Unknown. -probably English!


Flower Power

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

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Bagpipes and Pipers

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frogsitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day.


How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins. 

How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a lightbulb? - Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him. 

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? - Put it in a bagpipe case. 

A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band. "What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert favourite piper] ".


ANCIENT PIPING JOKE:

The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............
The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................
Ten men down, and the piper plays on................
Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"

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Highland Games Beer Tent Users Manual : Troubleshooting Section

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house
training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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Michael and the Scot

A wee drunk is walking up the road when he sees a bloke jump off a Multi (High rise apartments to you!). He blinks and looks up again to see this chap hurtle down, and three feet from the ground - just float down with no injury!

He blinks like mad and decides there is no way he could have seenthat!...........and then - down comes another! He's now thinking of never touching any alcoholic beverage ever again! .....but thinks "I'm away up that building to see what the f's going on!"

So up he goes to the fifteenth floor and out onto the roof where he sees the two guys discussing whether to go again.
"What's a' this?" asks he.
"What do you mean, what's a' this?" asks one of the men.

"I've just watched youse two jump off the building, hurtle to the floor, then float the last three feet and not a scratch on either of yez! What's going on??"

"Oh that," says the first guy "That's nothing, anyone can do it, they only need confidence that they'll stop."

"You mean I could do that?"
"No bother at all"

"Nah, yer joking!"
"No we're not, you saw us doing it, so why not you?"

The wee man thinks for a minute and decides to go for it. He moves to the very edge, looks at the two guys who say nothing ........ and jumps. Straight into the ground -splat-dead! Not breathing! Separated from his breath!

The first of the two blokes turns and says "Y'know, Michael, for an Archangel you can be a right bastard at times!"

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Rail Travel on a Scottish Budget

Three Americans and three Scots are travelling by a US train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.

"You'll see!" answers a Scot.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but All three Scots cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around Collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please".

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after The conference, the Americans decide to copy the Scots on the return Trip to save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.

"You'll see!" says a Scot.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and The three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks Over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says...."Ticket, please".

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The World Champions

By some rare chance. A piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?"

"Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Maxville Highland games was hotter than this"

So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again,"Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?"

"Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Montreal Highland games was just as hot"

So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!"

"Well, to tell ya the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot"

Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.

The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.

Satan looks at him and says,"Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"

Scotty says to him "are you kiddin, Man? ' Hell's just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPEBAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!

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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR DRUMMERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler, or drum sticks and practice pad to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his / her manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN car keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the drummer's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot/ dirked/ beaten up.
2a. Ditto, for kissing the groom.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. And wear them...

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. Use duct tape by itself and don't waste your panty hose.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.
5. Do not burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

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Professions

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and charges your $50 to tell you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Murray's (Murphy's) Laws Of Piping.

1. No matter when you change your reed, it only blows out as you march off.

2. Any reed changed just before a parade will be too hard to blow.

3. When the Pipe Major is watching you, your drones will never start right.

4. Clean white shirts will get dirty in the clothing bag.

5. Careful accounting of your gear the night before means that you will forget something.

6. Months of practice on a six-part tune means you will only remember one part on parade.

7. If you call "By the Right....." - sure as hell someone will start on the right foot.

8. When someone important is watching, the Drum Major will always call the "Halt!" on the wrong foot.

9. Some band members rise to their own level of incompetence - then stay there.

10. When the band sounds good - wait till the next tune.

11. Bandsmen come and bandsmen go - but screw-ups continue.

12. The degree of band screwing-up is in direct proportion to how important the event is.

13. If the band plays an easy tune long enough - they will screw it up.

14. Any chanter reed that will blow, will blow 30 seconds before march-off.

15. Any drum head that breaks, will do so 30 seconds after march-off.

16. All Pipe Majors believe that their bands will get better with practice.

17. All pipers have a scheme to break-in their own reeds, none of which work.

18. You will always remember to take your hose out of the dryer on the way to the parade.

19. There is never time to do it right, but we find time to do it wrong.

20. Every time the Bass Drummer tries a new beat, the pipers just hear a double-beat and quit playing.

21. The bus is never on time, but when it is, it's not your bus.

22. At least once every parade, a drummer will drop or break a stick.

23. When all is going correctly, look out, something is wrong.

24. When more than one piper cannot shut off his drones properly, its the Pipe Major's fault.

25. All important parades must be done during the pipers' holidays.

26. A good band practice does not mean a good parade.

27. A bad band practice does not mean a good parade.

28. Some pipers claim that "Preparation" is a piper's best friend.

29. Pipe reeds only come in one type - too hard for your pipers to play.

30. Side drums only stay in tune until you have to play them.

31. A full turn-out at band practice does not mean a full turn-out on parade.

32. Band members' clocks are always one half hour behind the Pipe Major's.

33. Any person who wants to be a Pipe Major is CRAZY!

[1] "Murray's Laws of Piping" - by P.M. Murray Martin, Army, Navy, and Air Force Pipes & Drums, Belleville, Ontario.

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English - Its a wonderful language, or, Why the Scots speak Doric!

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't Disney World a people fleecing trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

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STRUCTURE OF THE SONS OF SCOTLAND PIPES AND DRUMS
Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Walks on Water
Talks to God

Pipers:
Leap small buildings with a run-up
Are crack shots
Pull railway carriages
Ford rivers
Listen to God

Side Drummers:
Vault over fences
Are allowed their own sidearms
Can read a railway timetable
Know how to put on fishing galoshes
Believe in God

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Know which is the dangerous end of a gun
Have their own train sets
Wear Wellington boots
Talk to themselves

Bass Drummers:
Trip over matchsticks
Are NEVER allowed near firearms
Say "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Play in puddles
Nobody listens to them, and finally.

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!
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" A Drummer's Salute To The Highland Pipers." 
 

THE DRUMMERS' SALUTE TO THE HIGHLAND PIPERS

Actually, we hate you!

You are a slow-moving, privileged group of quasi-musicians who are constantly tinkering with your various items of hardware - while we wait. You occupy the front ranks and get all the glory while we keep you in time and constantly advise you of which part of the tune you are on.

When the public calls, they call for a piper! If a stranger approaches - he comes to a piper. You are always first. Even the haggis need you - but not us!

We are your slaves; at your beck and call. As though all of this isn't enough, when we are ready for your royal command, you further humble us by deciding to re-tune your obnoxiously eccentric instruments.

What a rotten deal! We drive through rain, fog, ice and snow to come to you. We sacrifice our work, our women, our families, our recreations, our money, and sometimes even our food and drink to guide you through the unknown.

And yet we come to you; you draw us like the Pied Piper of Hamelin drew his rats. Although we hate you, we are faithful; we return year after year to be at your backs, because we know that if you did not give us those beautiful and stirring melodies, we would not play at all!

God bless you!
I guess we love you!

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PRAYER FOR THE PIPE MAJOR.

Lord, give me the words to explain to everyone else the lofty purpose of this wonderful organisation, the Pipe Band, even though no one else seems to know that either.

Give me the charity to make some sense of the rules that came with the chanter of office.

May I always have the patience to bear the opinions of those band members who do nothing until I have done something, and then tell me how I should have done it.

Help me to keep both feet on the ground, and in step with the band, even when I don't have a leg to stand on.

Grant me the tact to make a point without making me an enemy.

Lord, you know I can't balance my cheque book, but help me read financial statements like an economist.

When the people holding the purse strings won't let go of them, may I have the persuasion of Moses and the wisdom of Solomon. And, when no one has a clue where the money to meet our expenses is going to come from, give me the faith of Abraham, who didn't know where he was going either, but went anyway.

Help me to forgive those members who never show their faces, or fail to practice; and to tame the "lions" who ferociously guard "their" territory.

May I always know when to threaten, and when to cajole; when to suggest, and when to drop to one knee and plead.

Make no mistake about it lord, I am the pipey. I'm not always sure how I got here - or why I ever accepted the position. But in your great mercy, give me all that I need to do the job well.

And when I have finished my term, give me the grace to let the next person take over.

And, keep my mouth shut!

Amen.

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